once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
