so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
