i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
