Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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