I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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