you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
