see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
