She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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