There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
