Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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