I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
