I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
