If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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