took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
