So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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