Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
