Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
