Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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