Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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