I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
