The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
