Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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