I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
