dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
