Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
