When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
