I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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