Screwed.edu
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
