Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
