I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
