My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
