you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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