stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need to calm my uterus...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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