I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
