How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
