pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
