I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
