he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
