I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
