I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
