he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
