My liver just broke up with me...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
