Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
