dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
