is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
