yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
