His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
