Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
