I cockslap morals
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
