I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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